Pulse
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what does conformity mean??
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im waiting for change every weekend i feel so new than the week comes and i fal on my face it gets old and i want to start getting it right
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sarah was right this is stupid.. drinking my tea! where i truly live about 3,000,000 hrs from civilization! ;)
Weblog
Thursday, 14 April 2011
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What's the best compliment you've ever received?
the best compliments that i receive are when someone compliments my husband. it makes me feel so proud to know that i am married to such a wonderful man.I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
Monday, 28 June 2010
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just married and now expecting our first baby..
it feels like just yesterday i was struggling with rent or skinny dipping at the conservation center.... wait that was yesterday....
seriously though i have a baby growing inside of me, we are going to be parents in just a few short months. surprisingly enough this fact doesn't scare me all that much. Yes i am very nervous about the birth and how the next year will go and how different its going to be once we are off of this continent but i feel comfortable knowing i am going to be a mom, i have no doubt that Stephen will be a great papa.
i am excited to finally get to hold baby.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
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$15 for incense chocolate and some hand lotion.... hes going to kill me!!
sooo worth it!!
"hey Mr tambourine man play a song for me im not sleepy and i got no place i am going to..."
Monday, 25 January 2010
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I am sorry.
I am sorry for those times when nothing was said to protect you,
I am sorry that the only way that you felt you could deal with all the pain was to leave your family your home,
I am sorry that you don't feel that you have a family or a home,
I am sorry that the people who you thought were the closest to you were the ones that first turned on you,
I am sorry for those times when you felt like you were alone in the pain no one to hear you cry,
I am sorry that no one ever stood up for you and you were left to defend yourself,
I am sorry that you can say that you know what it is to feel hopeless,
I am sorry that you were ignored when you spoke so distinctly,
I am sorry that now your bitterness and anger can so easily blind you and make you believe that there isn't another chance
I am sorry that your ears are closed to the good that is being sung around you,
how can there be good when there is so much misery sadness pain,
what good will come out of your shame?
I wrote this thinking about what is going on in my family right now thinking about my siblings and how things are so drastically changing for them now that Dad is out of the picture for awhile, as i have been thinking about this and reading these words i have come to see how similar it is to what dad must have faced. i hate the actuality of the cycles....
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
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I wrote this in a letter to my friend but i thought it was important that i wrote it down somewhere else so that i wouldnt forget or lose it.. this is my testimony.
I have really started to see myself and my current lifestyles in a different light. I've been seeing how i have isolated myself not just from others but also from His spirit...when ever conviction comes i think about it than piously agree that i should start to work on that area of my life....at some point.....maybe when i am not so busy or when i have one of those super spiritual moments.
Its funny how this came to my attention, at first i started to see that i didn't have answers for anything anymore. At first i was ok with this, but then my pride and insecurities struck me, "Well if i don't have the answers I'm not really of much value." So slowly i began to shut myself out of any other good company. i didn't really notice what was happening than gradually i saw how i was gravitating towards people who really couldn't challenge me in my self righteous ways. the next step was denial.
Denial of my failing relationship with God, (well maybe not failing but stagnant)..... it was really easy for me to live in denial because i felt like i could still pray and read the bible and get "something" out of it. Finally it happened... I was having devotions with Stephen when he asked me to pray, i looked at him and said "i don't want to." it was so strange how sincere i felt in saying that. i have never felt that way before, i have had times where i haven't known what to say yet i knew that God knew my heart. this was different i knowingly wanted to shield myself from his omnipotence.slowly yet surely i began to starve, and honestly at first i enjoyed the lack of conviction, the lack of connection, not having to hold any responsibility. what happened next was weird.
The tears wouldn't stop. randomly and uncontrollably, i couldn't be offered any consolation.There were a few nights where i felt like my heart was ripped out of me i would be sobbing for what felt like hours on end the most vulnerable i have felt in a long time. No matter how hard i searched i couldn't find a viable reason for the tears.
After awhile i chose to just become numb. I hated myself for it, i hated the fact that i would watch Stephen read the word or spend time in prayer and always walk away with something he had learned or just being refreshed. Were as i couldn't/ wouldn't even pray, whenever i read the bible it was as if i was blind or reading a foreign language, nothing in it spoke to me nothing held any value. Unhappy but not understanding or even caring why i would feel so empty.... i would wake up, go to work, come home, sleep;day in and day out.
it wasn't until a little over a week ago i started to feel my blood flowing again. It wasn't some insane epiphany or vision of angels. i went home for a week, when i came back i started my life as usual, but something had changed. for the first time i saw the road that i was walking on.... Jesus says in Matthew that the way is narrow and that there are few who are walking on it, the road i was walking down was so open with so many people on it all of them walking alone, the only thing that everyone had in common is that we were are so hungry. CS Lewis talks about this concept, he says " like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea...." Why do we eat dirt when we are offered the bread of life? Maybe the bread tastes bitter at first showing us what it is that we have to get rid of, and we spit it out; not waiting for the sweetness or the feeling of satisfaction we receive of not having to carry our burdens anymore. i saw my lack of satisfaction, i felt my hunger. Stephen started to read this book called Prayer by Richard Foster (author of celebration of discipline) i decided i would tag along and read as well. the second chapter is called Prayer of the Forsaken, there is what he calls a purifying silence this spoke volumes to me (its posted below if you would feel so inclined to read it) the next thing that hit me was Romans 7:15-18 (Rom 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Rom 7:16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. Rom 7:17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. Rom 7:18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.) lastly was a friends letter, who despite all the trials and situations that bombard this persons life, despite wanting so desperately to quit they press forward, they reach out even when they feel that there is nothing to touch, they read the word and write out books of the bible just to drum the plain truth into their head. so thats why i write this to you, because i think you will know what i am talking about maybe not through the exact same circumstances but i think that we are both walking down the same road knowing what we came from but maybe not necessarliy understanding where we are going.
Saint John of the Cross says that two purifications occur in the dark night of the soul and in some measure I experienced both. The first involves stripping us of dependence on exterior results. We find ourselves less and less impressed with the religion of the "big deal" - big buildings, big budgets, big productions, big miracles. Not that there is anything wrong with big things, but they are no longer what impress us. Nor are we drawn to praise and adulation. Not that there is anything wrong with kind and gracious remarks, but they are no longer what move us.
Then too we become deadened to the impressive corpus of religious response to God. Liturgical practices, sacramental symbols, aids to prayer, books on personal fulfillment, private devotional exercises, all these become as mere ashes in our hands. Not that there is anything wrong with acts of devotion, but they are no longer what fascinate us.
The final stripping of dependence on exterior results comes as we become less in control of our destiny and more at the mercy of others. Saint John calls this the "Passive Dark Night" It is the condition of Peter, who once girded himself and went where he wanted but in time found that others girded him and took him where he did not want to go. (John 21:18-19)
For me the greatest value in my lack of control was the intimate and ultimate awareness that I could not manage God. God refused to jump when I said, "Jump!" Neither by theological acumen nor by religious technique could I conquer God. God was in fact, to conquer me.
The second purifying of Saint John involves stripping us of dependence upon interior results. This is more disturbing and painful than the first purification because it threatens us at the root of all we believe in and have given ourselves to. In the beginning we become less and less sure of the inner workings of the Spirit. It is not that we disbelieve in God, but more profoundly we wonder what kind of God do we believe in. Is God good and intent upon our goodness? or is He cruel, sadistic, a tyrant?
We discover that the workings of faith, hope and love become themselves subject to doubt. Our personal motivations become suspect. We worry whether this thought or act is inspired by fear, vanity and arrogance rather than faith, hope and love.
Like a frightened child we walk cautiously through the dark mists that now surround the Holy of Holies. We become tentative and unsure of ourselves. Nagging questions assail us with a force they never had before. "Is prayer only a psychological trick?" "Does evil ultimately win out?" "Is there any real meaning to the universe?" "Does God really love me?"
Through all of this, paradoxically, God is purifying our faith by threatening to destroy it. We are led to a profound and holy distrust of all superficial drives and human strivings. We know more deeply than ever before our capacity for infinite self-deception. Slowly we are being taken off vain securities and false allegiances. Our trust in interior and exterior results is being shattered so we can learn faith in God alone. Through our barrenness of soul, God is producing detachment, humility, patience and perseverance.
Most surprising of all, our very dryness produces a habit of prayer in us. All distractions are gone. Even warm fellowship has disappeared. We have become focused. The soul is parched. And thirsty. And this thirst can lead us to prayer. I say can because it can lead us to despair or simply to abandon the search.
This brings us to the issue of what to do during these times of abandonment. Is there any kind of prayer we can engage in when we feel forsaken? Yes. We can begin by praying the Prayer of Complaint. This form of prayer has been largely lost in our modern, sanitized religion. But the Bible abounds with it.
The best way I know to relearn this time-honored approach to God is by praying that part of the Psalter traditionally known as the "Lament psalms" The ancient singers really knew how to complain and their words of anguish and frustration can guide our lips into the prayer we dare not pray alone. They expressed reverence AND disappointment. "God whom I praise, break your silence" (PS 109:1, JB) They experienced dogged hope AND mounting despair. "I am here, calling for your help, praying to you every morning; why do you reject me? why do you hide your face from me?" (Ps 88:13-14, JB) They had confidence in the character of God and exasperation at the inaction of God: "I say to God my rock, why have you forgotten me?" (PS 42:9)
The Lament psalms teach us to pray our inner conflicts and contradictions. They allow us to shout out our forsakenness in the dark caverns of abandonment and then hear the echo return to us over and over until we bitterly recant of them, only to shout them out again. They give us permission to shake our fist at God one moment, and break into doxology the next.
A second thing we can do when we are buffeted by the silence of God is to beat upon the cloud of unknowing "with a short dart of longing love" We may not see the end from the beginning but we keep on doing what we know to do. We pray, we listen, we worship, we carry out the duty of the present moment. What we learned to do in the light of God's love, we do in the dark of God's absence. We ask and continue to ask even though there is no answer. We ask and continue to seek even though we do not find. We knock and continue to knock even though the door remains shut.
It is this constant, longing love that produces a firmness of life orientation in us. We love God more than we love the gifts God brings. Like Job, we serve God even if He slay us. Like Mary, we freely say, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." This is a wonderful grace.
I would like to offer one more counsel to those who find themselves devoid of the presence of God. It is this: wait on God. Wait, silent and still. Wait, attentive and responsive. Learn that trust precedes faith. Faith is a little like putting your car into gear. And right now you cannot exercise faith, you cannot move forward. Do no berate yourself for this. But when you are unable to put your spiritual life into drive, do not put it in reverse. Put it into neutral. Trust is how you put your spiritual life into neutral. Trust is confidence in the character of God. Firmly but deliberately you say, "I do do not understand what God is doing or even where God s, but I know that he is out to do me good." This is trust, this is how to wait.
I do not fully understand the reasons for the wildernesses of God's absence. This I do know: while the wilderness is necessary, it is never meant to be permanent. In God's time and in God's way, the desert will give way to a land flowing with milk and honey. As we wait for that promised land of the soul, we can echo the prayer of Bernard of Clairvaux, "O my God, deep calls unto deep. The deep of my profound misery calls to the deep of your infinite mercy."
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
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its not that i feel i am failing at life. its just getting harder..... which is strange because in all actuality i would think it would be getting easier. i have a pretty decent job, i dont make a ton of $$ but its consistent and i can usually pay my bills its just weird i was thinking about money today and actually found myself reminding myself that its not needed to make me happy ( i have never had to do that).... i HATE the fact that it is needed. i feel kind of stuck in the cycle, i make $ to pay for food, laundry, gas, cell phone, and my car then its all gone and i wait for the next paycheck to come in.
i was aspiring towards school, and Stephen keeps asking me about it attempting to push me in that direction, but at this point i don't feel like it is attainable.... mainly because of money and time and debt, i also have this sinking feeling of where the next few years will bring us. (maybe sinking isn't the best word to describe it) i just hate not knowing what is going to happen.
what if he decides to go to school out of state?
what should i be trying to accomplish in the next year?
how can i be preparing for leaving the country?
i know its a few years away but time flys!!
I am tired of getting stressed out about this.... than having to worry about what should be on the grocery list for the week. my lack of organization is staring me in the face once again.
i need goals. i need to find my passion again, i am living too passively... but i don't know my passion anymore. its been transformed and i have yet to place exactly what it is.
i feel lonely here. i still haven't found someone i can share my time with. besides Stephen... but he doesn't count because i have the rest of my life with that one <3 is it always going to be like this? im not trying to have a pity party, but seriously will this change? that's why the aspect of moving scares me so much i think i am tired of it. when i do get comfortable..... for example the church we were just in. i really felt like we were starting to get connected, we were spending time with people outside of church sharing meals getting to really know each other. but know we are leaving. GRANTED! that doesnt mean that we have to loose those relationships, but church is just one aspect of community that i love. being able to share my faith and beliefs.
why do i choose to not be better?????
on the upside of things. i really am blessed even if at times i feel confused about what direction im going or lost in the one that i am in.
God has truly blessed me:
-with a loving, loyal, respectful, God fearing man.
-a job where i get along well with my co-workers.
-a warm place to live (when the heater chooses to work)
-we are both healthy
Psalm 25
1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
Let not my enemies triumph over me.
3 Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
Let those be ashamed who deal treacherously without cause.
4 Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
6 Remember, O LORD, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;
Therefore He teaches sinners in the way.
9 The humble He guides in justice,
And the humble He teaches His way.
10 All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth,
To such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.
11 For Your name’s sake, O LORD,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
12 Who is the man that fears the LORD?
Him shall He[a] teach in the way He[b] chooses.
13 He himself shall dwell in prosperity,
And his descendants shall inherit the earth.
14 The secret of the LORD is with those who fear Him,
And He will show them His covenant.
15 My eyes are ever toward the LORD,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
16 Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses!
18 Look on my affliction and my pain,
And forgive all my sins.
19 Consider my enemies, for they are many;
And they hate me with cruel hatred.
20 Keep my soul, and deliver me;
Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
22 Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all their troubles!
Friday, 16 October 2009
Friday, 25 September 2009
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And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn?t hit
And I don?t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don?t know
How to be a love like that
When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything
Where there is pain
Let us bring grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Let us be brave
Where there is misery
Let us bring them relief
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Oh surely we can change
Something
Oh, the world?s about to change
The whole world?s about to change
Thursday, 24 September 2009
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planning this wedding is getting harder and harder... im trying to compily things that i like or ideas that just out at me... nothing is there yet. good thing i have time to think about it....
welll its really late im going to sleep.
if there are any ideas please state. :)
im looking at earth tones possibly cream or ivory????
AmyJ_89
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- Name: Amy
- Birthday: 1/2/1989
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 4/2/2006
About Me
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i want to know people so that they may know me in return, im learning the importants of community when you dont have it you become lost in yourself... :) sounds so deep. really its simple. i want to get involved and do what i need to do,too become who i am supposed to be its just hard when theres no idea what direction you supposed to be taking. so for now i stumble trip and fall get bak up to start all over again.
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